My dear readers. I have some confessions to make. This year has turned out to be manic. Far from what I imagined it would be…
A few days ago my housemate asked me a question (as part of a silly game we were playing): What are three feelings that you feel at the moment? You know what I said? Stressed, happy and curious. She looked at me strangely. Clearly these three feelings aren’t supposed to go together? I had to explain.
Stressed. Life as a final year law student is stressful. I admit. I am exhausted. Yet I’m not giving up. About five months have passed already. Five months of hard work. Five months of sleepless nights. Five months of being stressed. Surely one would expect I must be ruined? It turned out I am a lot stronger than I have ever thought. Yet they say, you never know how strong you are until you have to experience your strength. Maybe this is my first little test. I have four months to win the battle. Determination above all. I will do it, there is no doubt about this. And I’m sure few months from now I will be looking at these times with a smile on my face, as surely, more stressful things will come in my life. I’m looking forward to that day. Roll on graduation!
Happy. Naturally one would wonder, how can I say I’m happy when I’m stressed? Honestly? I live off stress. If I was a car stress would be my fuel (that’s a bit of a weird thing to say, but you get what I mean, I hope). Am I crazy to say that? Maybe I am. I haven’t yet been diagnosed though. The truth is I am not happy because I am stressed. No – I am not that much of a masochist. I am happy despite being stressed. Evidently, just because I am going through some difficult times doesn’t mean I could put a tag on my life and say I’m miserable. That would be pathetic of me. I have other things in my life that make me happy. People as a matter of fact. I have a lovely family that supports me day in, day out. I have a great job that motivates me. I have been lucky enough to work with some amazing people. That’s what I draw energy from. That’s what inspires me, motivates me, supports me living as a matter of fact. I am one lucky final year law student. And I realise that.
Curious. I’m not sure that was the right word to use. Curious about the future maybe? Or maybe a little bit more like scared. I’ll tell you the truth, I have no idea where I will be five months from now. And this thought scares me to death. I try not to think about this. I try to concentrate on things here and now, rather than there and then. For anyone who knows me, this is not something I’m used to. I’ve always lived my life according to a plan. Or maybe it is easier to know what’s coming when you are at the early stages of your life. You go to school. You graduate. You go to university. You graduate. You get a job? But when, where? That’s beyond me at the moment. And I guess it is normal. Yet I’m terrified. Or maybe I’m pathetic? A friend of mine always told me I should learn to live for the moment, without worrying about the future. This I have never been able to master. In my personal life I did it ones. I got hurt. In my professional life? Well, to be honest I did take a small detour last year when I decided to take a placement year out. I didn’t plan it. I just saw the opportunity and grabbed it. And then I squeezed it tight. I have no regrets whatsoever. To the contrary, this unplanned year turned out to be the best year of my life. Literally. So maybe it’s not so bad not to have plans for every single thing? I’m hoping the next detour I take will be just as big success as my first one was.
Motivation, motivation, motivation
That’s my rule of life. I came across a quote the other day which really got stuck into my mind. ‘A diamond is just a pile of coal that did well under pressure.’ I am not sure who said that but I think it’s brilliant. It’s my new moto. If I can survive the pressure I’m going through at the moment, I can do anything. And to be honest, ones again, pressure motivates me. I know it’s weird. But yet, that’s me.
There is one other thing that sustains me living. The belief that hard work pays off. That all of this will be worth it in the end. I know it will be. In a way, maybe I’m getting a bit impatient about bearing the fruits of my hard work. Maybe it’s an ongoing thing. Everything I have achieved in my life at the moment was because of hard work. I never hoped for success. I never dreamed it. I worked for it. I earned it. And I think more often than not I deserved it. So here’s to success. And to motivation. Surely one thing leads to the other?
And yet, nothing should stop you dreaming. Dreams are a good thing. Dreams do sometimes come true, if you want them really really bad. And if you work really really hard to get them…